(Originally posted on July 27, 2018)
Before I start my blog today I would like to say that if you're looking for a post everyday its not going to happen. If you're a grieving mom, you understand that some days I just have nothing to say.
However I also want to state that this blog is helping me reconnect with God because how can this blog be a help to anybody else if it's just about the pain and loss and grief. So therefore it's making me look for opportunities, stories of how God is there for us.
So I hope that you can read this and have a little laugh and enjoy the chaos and comic relief I had this morning and also gain some re-connection with a God who still has large enough hands to rescue us.
I think I might be losing my mind. But look at this little gal. I swear she was saying "please save me". Both my cats had her cornered between the screen door and the sliding glass door. She had burrowed herself into the side track, and the screen door wasn't open enough for the cats to get to her.
At first I tried to crack the door to open the screen door so they could get to her because I don't want mice in my house. Mice bring snakes and disease. But this little gal...
So I ran and I got that little cup... what the hell was I thinking??? I open the sliding glass door and I put the cup down and she promptly ran right past it into my house. I started screaming oh s*** oh s*** oh s***! Luckily I didn't wake anybody up in the process.
I found her cornered thinking she was hiding so I got a bigger bucket and a yardstick and lo and behold she ran right into the small cup. I took her outside and put her OVER the fence. I told her to run and never come back. Yep I think I'm losing my mind.
But then as I stood there, in the quiet, thinking about that little mouse with nowhere to go and two very large and dangerous enemies ready to pounce and end her life, I thought that's how I feel sometimes. Trapped in a tiny space with my very large and dangerous enemies, HOPELESSNESS and FEAR.
I want to crawl into the smallest space and close my eyes and try to wish them away. But they don't go away! They remained ready to pounce just as soon as I open my eyes.
But just when I think that my situation will not change, HOPELESSNESS and FEAR crouching closer and closer, here comes THE hands. I don't often realize that I'm being rescued until I'm free.
Just like the mouse shaking in that little cup terrified that what has picked her up is worse than what had her cornered, sometimes in the midst of those dark emotions when God reaches down the fear get stronger as my faith and trust are so very weak. But on the back side of things I find that He was there all along. And for a moment, I'm free.
So does this fix me up?
Now I'm good to go!
I'm all better...
That would be a big fat NOPE.
I'm certain I will find myself cornered again. Maybe by the same 2 enemies, and maybe next time it will be debilitating grief or loneliness or exhaustion... All those things that we go through moment-by-moment in trying to deal with this new normal of living life without our child.
But for today But for this moment, I'm going to enjoy my freedom, God's hands rescued me again.
Blessings momma, keep holding on.