(Originally posted July 20, 2018)
Hebrews 4:12-16 (NLT)
12 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.14 So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. 15 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. 16 So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
STOP! If you've not buried your child please don't talk about how brave and strong I am. I may be but I certainly don't feel that way MOST of the time. And showing you how strong I am is NOT why I'm started this blog.
If you're reading this and you have buried your child (I am so very sorry. Its the absolute worst thing ever) you might be thinking that you could never "handle things as we'll as me". I want to be transparent about why I started this blog.
It's not to show anybody how much I have it together.
It's not to show anybody how strong I am.
I have been angry with God since June 29th 2014. When the doctor told us that Emily had cancer the person that I was ceased to exist. That innocent blind trust that I had went away and as of yet it has not come back.
I don't take care of myself. I often forget to take my medications. Sometimes I drink too much. I yell at my husband and my daughter. I forget important events if I don't put them down on paper. I don't reach out to my friends. And going to church is really painful.
I started this blog because I've been trying to reach out to God and when I look online for some kind of devotional that would help me with how I feel everyday I can't find one. Not saying it's not out there I just haven't found it.
So using devotionals I have, I've started journaling which I hate by the way. I've never liked to journal that's why I have about 14 journals with maybe three pages written and the rest is empty.
What I've discovered is that reading the word of God, and being honest about how it makes me feel, and when I don't feel like praying, praying anyway, is helping me.
It's not a magic pill. And it's certainly not making a huge impact, yet. But I'm finding that this is something that actually helps. Therefore maybe, just maybe, if this blog reaches other moms who have buried their babies and are struggling in their faith but cannot move forward by telling themselves and the world, we are just fine and putting on a fake smile trying to fake our way into a new way of feeling, Maybe I can help somebody else and in the process help myself.
"The Word of God...exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable".
He already knows the deepest hurt, anguish, feeling of betrayal, disappointment, fear, and anger that has been festering deep in my heart.
"let us hold firmly to what we believe"
Remember, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. The TRUTH I knew about God BEFORE cancer is what i hold firmly to. Some things i thought were truth but were disproved when Emily suffered and died are things i must work through but the basic TRUTHS... God loves me. God loves Emily. Because of Jesus, heaven is my home. When i pray He listens. I hold firmly to these. I don't want to stay in the valley of the shadow of death. Its dark, scary and very lonely. So i desperately cling to the lifeline that i hope will see me through.
So I don't know what to pray. Pray anyway. Be honest and grab on to that lifeline that promises to get you through.