(This blog first published on July 18, 2018)
Where is God? Do you ask that question? I do, often...
I've lost my child. The one thing I asked for my whole life, was taken way too soon.
I felt like Abraham with Isaac.... but wait, unlike Abraham I did not offer my child freely as a sacrifice. I instead begged God not to take her. I held on to her with all my might!
So I ask myself, IF I had offered her freely, would she still be here?
This is honesty! I'm already thinking it. However, I know in my deepest heart that God is not like that.
Remember, I said in my first post, God is the same yesterday... the God I knew and trusted BEFORE CANCER (BC)...
Matthew 9:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” New International Version (NIV)
He loves children. Their simple trust and belief in Him. Emily believed and trusted Him!!!
What I knew to be true BEFORE she suffered and died, I cling to as truth today in spite of how I feel.
Sometimes my feelings are strong, like now, and its hard to hold on to what I believed BEFORE!
In these moments I'm extra gentle with myself. I'm human. I wanted to be a mommy for 20 years. I finally became one and LOVED EVERY SINGLE MOMENT until I heard,she's going to die... too soon. Way too soon! Then I lived with fear and anguish. That she would leave me. And she did.
I was weeping and I heard a little voice, "mommy are you ok?"... my 6 year old Evelyn, whom I thought was asleep already, heard me crying. I told her I missed Emily but that I was ok. She ran off to get me something... it was a little white stuffed rabbit that Emily loved, that Evelyn now loves.
I don't know how this raw honest post will help you. I hope my honesty can help you be honest too. Yet in your darkest moment of grief and loss cling to the God you knew BEFORE! He hasn't changed!
(This blog post was originally posted on July 16, 2018)
This is Emily Grace. She's my beautiful, sweet, compassionate, caring 6 year old daughter.
Our lives were typical. Work hard. Play harder. Our biggest concern was what park to play at and what to cook for dinner.
In July 2014, at the age of 4, we heard these words "Your daughter has neuroblastoma cancer".
After 2 plus years of painful treatment, sickness, loss of childhood innocence, fulfilling her bucket list, Emily Grace died on October 3, 2016.
LIVING THROUGH is where I hope to journal my journey of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. My faith is weak. My hope sometimes shallow. Fear is rampant. Grief is debilitating. YET... God!
I cling to Hebrews 13:8, he "is the same yesterday, today and forever".
If my story can help you pick yourself up off the floor, offer a sliver of hope that you can get through, reveal that you can be full of anger and hurt toward God and still believe...
I'm still in the heart of the valley. Some days I don't know if I'll ever make it out. But I keep walking. Come with me.